Last year I penned a short satire for a class. It was one of those exercises in free-writing for an hour only. The Tim Horton's storm about minimum wages was in the news so I wrote the most outlandish response that came to mind.
Jason Kenney is in the news about minimum wages now, and, wouldn't you know it, the satire seems less silly.
Bartholomew Roberts was a famous pirate, BTW.
Here's that satire again with a few edits and a new title. Cheers, JH
Cheap Coffee
The phone rang at 5:30 on Wednesday evening.
“Is this Juergen who wrote the blog about the SQ?” came the question from the other end.
“It is.” I settled in the chair and raised the glass. I suddenly felt I may need that drink.
My name is Bartholomew Roberts. I’m at Money-Over-All Consulting, calling from our Toronto Ontario
“Yeah, I heard about that. A Tim’s franchise in Northern Ontario , in a knee-jerk reaction to the minimum wage hike, wants their staff to buy their own uniforms.” I figured I should call it as I see it. “They threatened to cut staff discounts and whined about lost profits. And the owners sent those memos from their Florida
“Well, that’s just a part of the story,” he answered after a pause. “I can tell you that a group of generous owners have pooled a pretty substantial fund of money to purchase uniforms in bulk for all their employees. This way coffee and doughnut prices remain competitive while staying on the path to increased market share and sustained profitability.”
“That’s terrific. Your employees must be happy,” I said. “And your customers won’t have to pay a dime extra for their coffees.”
“I can say to you that there were a couple of minor problems,” his voice sounded tentative.
“Oh?”
“The uniforms arrived in children’s sizes for ages 8 to 12. They fit only twenty-three employees in Ontario.
“Ouch. Did you buy many?” I asked.
“Only thirty-four thousand,” came the dejected reply. “But shirts and pants only.”
“I feel for you, but I don’t understand how I can help.”
“It turns out the problem has a win-win solution. The extra uniforms prompted some of our people to look at the social challenges in their communities.”
“You plan to donate these clothes to schools and the homeless?” I asked. I was imagining rows of kids in playgrounds with beige uniforms and corporate logos.
“Well sort of, but even better.” He went on to explain. “Wage laws apply to most employees, but not to the demographic that would actually fit in those uniforms. We propose to offer that large untapped labour market employment for a few short six-hour shifts, before or after school hours, to gain work experience.”
“Eight to twelve-year olds?” I squeaked.
“Yup, and they could keep the uniforms,” he offered. “But we need schools on our side, although Ford is helping out by eliminating the local school boards.”
“So you practically solved your problem then?” I was almost speechless.
“Close.” His answer sounded pleased. “We want bloggers and journalists to convince hold-out parents that work experience at an early age is important. It builds character and strengthens the work ethic in a community.”
“You’re doing this to avoid paying a little extra for minimum wages?" I was flabbergasted.
“We’ll give them free stools and benches to reach the counters.” He wheedled, “we may even drop the price of coffee and doughnuts because we don’t have to pay minimum wage. How can it get better than that, eh?”
I glanced down at my drink as I hung up the phone. I was glad it wasn't coffee.
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