This essay was first published in January of 2018. And here it is again in the original edit. If I consider the current context of the Epstein Files then this essay aged well. I think it should have meaning to all of us. And its another example of: The more time passes, the less things change. If anything the problem has worsened. Again, my underlying belief is that we have the personal responsibility to hold culprits accountable. In a more personal context, this essay did accomplish a small amount of good.
JH March 5, 2026
What have we actually learned from the stories of movie stars, executives and leaders who were threatened with ruined careers (and worse) if they refused unwanted advances and assaults…the revelations leading to the Me Too movement? It seems that someone shares a news story daily about abuse of power to coerce sex. These women and men came forward publicly to effect change, which means there has to be some learning on our part.
Many victims were unable to talk about those actions openly for fear of retribution or stigmatization. I don’t mean only rape victims, but those suffering from hurt resulting from coercion and abuse. The stories in the news were less about rape than about coercion and abuse of power. Harvey Weinstein, for example, has not been charged with any crimes yet, although police in various jurisdictions are investigating, but there is little question about the degree of hurt and abuse. Public figures and household names were featured in the headlines; but this hurt is also experienced by many, which underscores the need to apply the lessons in our daily lives. This is not just about movie stars and public figures, but about us.
Catherine Deneuve, French actor and director, has been in the headlines recently denouncing the Me Too movement as a witch hunt that punishes men for harmless flirtation, "Men have been punished summarily, forced out of their jobs when all they did was touch someone's knee or try to steal a kiss." The Russian media has been somewhat bemused at the attention in the western press, stating that women should be complimented by the attention, to embrace their sexuality and accept the advantages afforded by their good looks. This argument is justification, like “boys will be boys.”
Let’s step away from the soapbox and find a little balance. Perhaps some individuals have exaggerated claims or falsified accusations, and that too is violent, wrong and probably illegal. That is not what the Me Too movement is about. Nor is it about flirtation or making a harmless pass. A declined pass is usually acknowledged graciously, and life goes on. Coercion through fear is violent and adversarial, and the consequence may be felt for years. Assault and flirtation are two different things, and it’s disingenuous to intentionally bamboozle people by grouping these together.
Asia Argento, an early victim and accuser of Harvey Weinstein, recently left Italy for Berlin to escape public shaming and condemnation in the Italian press. Some accused Argento of being complicit in a crime by not speaking out earlier. Some Italian politicians joined the fray by calling for Asia Argento to be charged with prostitution. No wonder victims don’t speak out, when they are faced with those sorts of disproportionate consequences.
An acquaintance, Mary, (not her real name,) spoke out recently. She was repeatedly assaulted by a co-worker after she had declined his initial advances. He would stealthily approach her to press his groin against her backside, carefully avoiding observation from others. Mary has lived through abuse before, and this brought up every memory of past trauma. For her it is like walking off a cliff every time. After the second incident Mary made a loud “fuss,” and subsequently complained to her supervisors. Her supervisors arranged a formal meeting with her in the days following; but their tone made Mary uneasy.
The meeting lasted over an hour, attended by the store manager, sales manager and operations manager, lined up across from her. The tone was strict and authoritarian. Mary was “served” with a letter from human resources that she was expected to sign. The sales manager read the reprimand as a judge might read a sentence or rebuke to a prisoner… word for word from the letter. She was reprimanded for rolling her eyes at the operations manager several weeks back, and for failing to meet a sales target (the entire sales staff missed that target.) Mary was not to make a “fuss” on the sales floor again, but to retire, quietly and calmly, to the ladies room to cry if she needed to. The letter was dated two days after she made her complaint. At the conclusion of the meeting, Mary asked about her complaint.
“Oh, you mean that rubbing thing?” asked the store manager.
“Yes, did you report it to HR? What did you do?” Mary’s question.
“Well… no…maybe… I think I did… I guess we should talk about that sometime and maybe do something…” was the store manager’s response. They suggested she may want to leave her job if she felt unsafe.
Mary texted and phoned me a few times in the weeks following, as she was trying to cope with this. Her first text pictured her proudly standing in front of an award from head office, declaring her the winner of “associate of the year” for that store or district…whichever… point being that she obviously did her job well. A few days later she called to inform me her managers decided not to involve head office or human resources, and that her colleague felt empowered to continue variations of his behaviour towards her. The last text was to let me know she was suspended from her job.
Why fire anyone, and why was Mary not heard? If Mary’s eye roll was so offensive, why was it not addressed at the time? Was it so difficult to take Mary’s complaint seriously; to warn staff that inappropriate sexual behaviour was not condoned? Maybe human resources from head office could investigate and, if needed, mediate or intervene. I can list plenty of alternatives -- but reprimanding and firing a top associate for rolling her eyes would not make that list. As Asia Argento was vilified for not complaining in a timely basis; Mary was apparently penalized for complaining at all.
Mary’s journey prompted my initial question, what have we learned? I think in light of Mary’s story, not enough. It is obvious that abusers must learn to stop, and seek help for their sickness. Their behaviour is violent and hurtful, and eventually society may resolve to prevent such behaviour in more radical ways.
A less obvious lesson perhaps, but even more important; is that the fraternity of “boy will be boys,” the practice of blaming and penalizing victims, rationalizing out of expedience, laziness, misogyny or stupidity has to stop. It creates a culture that not only accepts abusive behaviour, but empowers abusers. Mary’s managers caused ample damage through their actions, and society must learn to hold these people accountable too.
For those of us who have witnessed the Me Too movement and the pain leading to it; I would hope we learn to be respectful, open and caring with one another. I hope we learn to work vigorously to create a culture of safety and dialog. I have learned that we all play a part.
Comments
Post a Comment